Still Feel the Pain

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Usually my Wednesdays are Wordless.

Usually my posts are about the kids.

Usually my posts are in the evening (and shh, PodCampers, scheduled because I am busy).

Today, it is all thrown out the window.

Today, I am sad. I am bitterly angry. I am dealing with something I’ve been managing well for almost 11 years, but the pain never will completely go away.

Today, I hated myself for a fleeting moment. In the shower, enjoying my morning routine with A, I almost shaved a strand of my hair off. I thought, man, you’d be so ugly! Then I broke down. My best friend Wendy had no choice. She lost her hair with the cancer treatments. She held her head up high walking the halls filled with mean people (who, btw, most of which were NOT in our class). A junior in high school, living life like there was a tomorrow.

But sadly, there was not, and for that, this morning, I momentarily lost my strength. I don’t forget her, but I try so hard to not remember the things that happened. To not wish I was flying out with or to see her tonight. To not wish she and I could swap marriage or kid stories. To not wish I could just sit and eat some Chinese with her.

If I don’t talk about it, it won’t go away. Now that I’ve cried it out and blogged it out, I feel a release, I feel my personal angel smiling at me, telling me everything is ok. And it is. She is safe,  she is free. That is what means everything to me, what gives me hope.

WMK, I love and miss you!

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