Greedy

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Is it greedy to desperately want one more child? Is it asking too much?

When we announced ‘lil Man was a boy, so many people proclaimed we would have the perfect ‘lil family, one of each. In my mind, the one that loves equal numbers, there is room for more.

When the doctor asked me one more time if I was certain I didn’t want my tubes tied, reminding me of how sick pregnancy makes me, my heart and mouth said no loud and clear. I joked that my mom’s credit card would disagree, but know that our parents truly would love a third grandchild just as much as the first two.

Each month, as ‘lil Man gets further and further away from the age A was when we got pregnant with him, I get sadder. My babies are not babies anymore, and my womb is empty. Soon, I may decide I don’t want another as they joy of no stroller or diaper bag looms on the horizon.

Sure, one more child means more time for Greg to stay home and one more tuition bill. But it also means two completely, biologically, ours. Three ‘lil souls to fill our home with love and laughter, to spread our love to.

My tears over this seem futile. Do I really want to put my body through another nauseating nine months? Do I risk backsliding after 15 months of weight loss? There are so many other moms out there who would give anything for one child, or even a second, and here I am, sad that we don’t have three.

Each month, I am faced with this struggle, and each month the mental tug is stronger. I’ve been that woman who had freaked out over a scare, and asked herself over and over what will I do. I understand there are two sides to this coin, and I’ve been on both. Perhaps that is why I feel a tug to try once more, to even my karma?

Whether or not we ever do have baby three, I have to admit we are lucky. I survived some crazy stuff pre-A, and won in having her. She’s a constant reminder of the most amazing things. And ‘lil Man is the most perfect combination of us. It’s hard to feel blue over this when I know it could be a rougher road, but it is a burden I carry. The kids bring so much joy, I shouldn’t feel guilt for wanting more, but need to acknowledge the beauty in our (current) reality, too.

Prayers for all those trying, thanks for the gifts and miracles abounding in our lives. This Mama stuff isn’t always easy, huh?

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