When people tell me how proud of me they are, I usually smile and say thanks. In fact, it’s still a work in progress, so sometimes I even get down on myself and say how far I still have to go. Truth is that deep down, I feel like they don’t really get how real my struggle has been to go from fat to fit.
Yeah, sure, I’ve run half marathons (yes, that’s plural). I’ve lost 173 pounds (in total, not off my highest weight!) over the last six years. I’ve done things I never thought I could (like jump off a sail boat into the Caribbean or jump up on a box at a crossfit class). But I hate that people probably think I make these things look easy, because they are not.
Imagine you are in a starting corral of runners and you start to breathe really fast because you’re looking down at your body and looking at the body next to you. You start to question if you really should be here doing this thing. You are not a runner! You quickly forget the miles and hours of training, the on point eating you’ve done in the last five months and just hyper focus in on the moment. It’s crushing. It’s numbing. And it’s a real struggle. You forget that (even though you are still working) your journey from fat to fit has been full of way more endurance than many of the people with the full marathon bibs have ever gone through.
Or maybe you are laying face down on the floor of a crossfit class wiping away tears because you can’t do burpies and you really don’t want to be a baby about doing them again. You justify your thoughts that you have way more pounds to lift off the floor than anyone else in the room and jumping up with this much flab just isn’t pretty. You forget that a year ago you were laying face down on a different floor crying because you were so tired of being so tired and unwell. You forget that you have come so far, all you can do is focus on that moment and get down on yourself.
Even if I make it look easy with my posts about running and Whole30, I am here to tell you it hasn’t been. I’ve had to overcome a lot of physical and mental struggles. Even when I was at my thinnest in 2014, I still had a lot of issues. (I couldn’t do a burpie or box jump, for instance.)
But what I can say is I am working on being proud of how far I’ve come. And sometimes, that may show too little or too much. This is all part of my journey, and I am thankful for those who support me, those who get me, and those who are inspired by me. No, it’s not easy going from fat to fit – but it’s my struggle and I’m loving it.