If you haven’t been able to tell, life hasn’t been the same around here.
This already busy mama took on an assignment at work that is keeping me there longer than usual and working on high visibility stuff. A certain dad has had to take on more around the house, including some bedtimes without me there for the routine.
It’s not been easy on us, but I am torn. Truth be told, I love what I am doing…stress and all. Problem is, I am not as great at balancing as you may think.
Even though I have been busting my butt since June 2010 to take care of my body, I haven’t taken care of my mind. It never shuts off. (case in point? I am writing this on the recumbent bike because I don’t have the time to write my heart out anymore.) My mind is not in the right place, and that’s mine to own.
It’s a work in progress, this whole loving yourself thing. I know many people love me, but I am my own worst enemy. I need to let my past be where it needs to be, nailed to the cross. I need to look at this everything I have been blessed with and give thanks. But I am struggling.
When we lost Wendy, I entered a place in my mind where I was very dark, but I likely didn’t let anyone know. Part of me still holds that.
I have anger toward my past self and how I could let myself remain in a situation that was unhealthy and unsafe. I’ve talked to a counselor about it and have prayed to find forgiveness…but I am still not letting go.
Even looking at Greg and Arianna, I get sad because I don’t feel like the person I was when they became my world deserved to have these two amazing people in my life.
And sweet little Evan. He thinks he has a happy mama who has always been under 200 pounds (not recognizing the mama holding him in pictures of his first months of life). It’s like he’s the purest thing I have, but raising a three year old BOY is intense.
Phew, man. Got all my crazy out. I am working on all this, especially when I am out on runs. Trust me. There has been Christian music on my radio since January. I am going to focus more on yoga once training for the 2 fifths is done. I’ve been praying more than ever in my life (and I am a PK, so it’s a lot of prayer).
And this morning I am super thankful I am alive to tell you all that while life isn’t always easy, it is beautiful. I am alive. I am thankful for my husband who has held me on the kitchen floor and let me cry and cry and cry some more on days that all the feels are too intense. He’s kept me going more than you’d think.
I ask that we all are gentle with each other today. You never know someone’s inner struggles. Lift the people in your life up, don’t pull them down. Breathe. Pray. Be thankful. Know you are not alone. Talk about it.
Not just preaching…learning from myself, too. It’s a journey, this alive thing.