Well, we aren’t done but it was finally time to give in. The twins and I proudly made it to 20 weeks of liquid gold. They were exclusively breastfed for 20 beautiful weeks. Yesterday morning, that had to change per the pediatrician’s advice.
I know there are many of you who wish you were able to say you had the chance to do what I did and that I should be thankful. I get that. Trust me. I know several people who desperately want kids and can’t and yet here I am complaining about “having to give formula” to my third and fourth kids at 20 weeks. Or maybe you really wanted to bond with your babies like I have but didn’t have the supply or ability to do so. I get that hearing complaints like that hurt. I get that I am “lucky”.
But here’s the thing. I am also very passionate about my kids. All four of them. I want to be able to give them the best, and in turn, I’ve sacrificed quite a few things to make that happen. Like my body and my schedule. I focused and have dedicated so much in the past 12 months to giving my all, 110%, to making sure the twins had every single thing they needed. So forgive me if I say some things that sting — because I’m hurting right now, too.
I cried the whole time Ava sucked down that first tiny bottle of formula yesterday morning. The tears were hot, but deep down I knew I was doing the right thing for my sweetie. She’s not gaining weight like she needs to because I am not giving her fatty milk.
This is what is for the best, I have to convince myself of that every single minute of the day. I haven’t failed, but it doesn’t take away my sadness. The thing is, when you make something your all, it really hurts when you don’t make your goals or are told you’re not doing enough. But I have to move past that and not let this get the best of me.
If you are of the praying kind, I could use a few. This week, I also stopped claiming my post-partum anxiety, so that means I am trying hard to naturally calm my nerves through breathing, prayer, and rest instead of medication.
And guess what? Even though I am anxious about the next 20+ weeks of our journey, it’s still going to be a breastfeeding journey. We’ll still have our morning, late afternoon, evening, and night sessions, just with a little extra mama milk or formula. My girlies need to grow. Just because I had to give the girls supplemental formula for the first time (20 weeks + 1 day) does not mean that I failed. It’s just (as Michelle told me) another way to buy the peaches.
Bonus? I realized that Evan nursed for 6.5 months before I had to give him formula. I was able to feed two babies for 20 weeks (40 weeks total if you x it by 2), so that’s a huge win. Mama’s got this, right?
What is something you have struggled with lately? How are you looking to overcome the fear and anxiety of failure and turn it around?